Of Photographs, memories and Christmas Eves
by Don'tKnowWhatToSay
Summary: The picture showed a smiling Sirius posing like some Adonis on the sheets of Remus' bed. A sudden burst of anger filled him, and he tore the picture in two. Sirius had sworn he wouldn't leave. He'd promised. Remus buried his head in his knees. RL/SB slash


**I'm not entirely sure what I think of this, but I decided to give it a try. Please don't flame it, it's late and I've been depressed due to the lack of fanfiction inspiration (; Anyways, here goes, a short oneshot about how Remus feels on Christmas Eve when Sirius isn't there. I'm warning you, there's a LOT of fluff and hurt o: Do please review, I swear it makes my day (:**

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It was Christmas evening. All around the city, people were celebrating the joyful evening that marked the birth of Christ, dancing, eating, drinking and laughing. The people living on Grimmauld Place were no exception. If one were to walk past the windows, he wouldn't doubt that festive times were upon the street, not for a single second. In fact, only one window could break the spirit of the holidays, but this window was for no ordinary man to see. Only a selection of wizards and witches were familiar with the location of the house, which was hidden for any regular Muggle.

Behind the closed door was a deserted hallway covered in dust and spider webs. A long, dark stair lead the way to the second floor, but the lack of footpaths in the layer of dirt revealed that it hadn't been used for a while. The only sound in the house was the small irregular sobs emerging from the living room.

Remus had stationed himself on the living room floor with a rectangular, brown box. His auburn hair hadn't been washed for two days, and his face wore the expression of one who had experienced suffering far beyond the young werewolf's age. His trembling fingers drew patterns on the lid of the box, but he didn't seem quite able to determine whether he was about to open it or not. With a rapid motion, he got on his feet and shoved the package away. He paced towards the windows, his movements lacking any trace of the energy and happiness he'd possessed but a few months earlier. All of it had disappeared the instant he'd read about Sirius' terrible crime.

It was the first Christmas since James, Lily and Peter had died. It was the first Christmas Remus would celebrate without Sirius since they'd left Hogwarts. Actually, it was the first Christmas he'd ever spend alone. Thoughts of happier times flooded through his brain as he looked out the window. The street outside was covered in fluffy, white snow that kept falling form the sky in an unending stream. Remus gritted his teeth when the brief thought of the cold cell Sirius was occupying crossed his mind. It was too much to think of.

He left his place at the dirty window and picked up the box, caressing it gently as if apologizing for his loss of control. Then he sat down again, removing the lid. Years of memories stared back at him, and he closed his eyes. Strong fingers reached out to grasp the photograph on top of the pile. It was a picture of three young men, smiling and laughing while raising their glasses into the air. Sirius' beautiful face showed no sign of the treachery he was to commit within so little time.

"And cheers to Lily and James! And Harry!" Sirius shouted, shoving his glass towards the ceiling with a not at all controlled movement. James mimicked his gesture, and Lily smiled, gently kissing the boy in her lap's raven-coloured hair. Remus turned around just in time to catch a glimpse of Peter Pettigrew with his camera. He waved.

He wanted to throw the picture away so badly, let the licking flames of the fireplace engulf it. But he couldn't make himself destroy the precious memories. They were all he had left. Instead, he put the photograph down with a slow movement before picking up the next.

"_I love you so much, Moony, don't you ever forget." Sirius said, kissing Remus' shoulder affectionately. Remus nodded. He knew that. But he still couldn't help feeling so goddamn inadequate. _

"_You're so unique, have I ever told you that?" His black-haired lover asked. Remus shook his head. Of course he had, he just felt a desperate need to hear it again. _

"_You're smart. You're sexy. You're kind…" Sirius whispered while slowly trailing the white lines that crossed Remus' chest in every possible direction. The cold touch made the young werewolf shiver.  
"Don't you ever leave me, Padfoot." He whispered. Sirius grinned, kissing Remus on the lips. _

"_I swear, I won't."_

Remus remembered the picture all too well. Seeing it again made his heart ache terribly. He'd taken it few minutes after their conversation in their dorm. It showed a smiling Sirius posing like some Adonis on the sheets of Remus' bed. A sudden burst of anger filled him, and he tore the picture in two. Sirius had sworn he wouldn't leave. He'd promised. Remus buried his head in his knees and curled up on the floor.

"_Smile!" James shouted, turning around with Peter's camera between his hands. Sirius laughed, jumping behind Remus' body to hide from the lens. The werewolf let out an annoyed snort, and his lover emerged from his shelter. _

"_Fine!" Sirius said, sticking his tongue out at the expression on Remus' face. The younger man clasped his teeth, pretending to bite the other one's tongue. _

"_Just smile, gee!" James moaned, preparing for the shot. Sirius grabbed Remus' hand a second before James pressed the button. _

Why hadn't Sirius kept his promise? What on Earth made him think he could just leave Remus on the brink of madness like that? It was unfair, so damn unfair. Had he ever even loved him? Remus didn't know. If it had all been an act, Sirius was the world's greatest actor, no doubt.

_They were lying on the grass side by side. Sirius was holding Remus' hand tightly, and Remus was wishing for him to never let go. With him there, he felt like he could conquer the world. Suddenly, his lover opened his mouth but shut it again._

"_What's wrong?" Remus asked curiously._

"_I…" Sirius replied, letting go of Remus' hand so he could lie with his elbow supporting his weight. He looked Remus in the eyes, a beautiful ocean of grey meeting a mesmerizing flood of honey._

"_You?" Remus wondered._

"_I love you, Remus."_

He didn't need a picture to remember the first time Sirius had told him he loved him. The pain of the flashback had him gasping for air. It felt as if someone had cut a giant hole in his heart. He got on his feet, needing to move. He stormed through the door to the hallway and on through the front door to the street. There were no Muggles nearby, and in fact, he couldn't care less who saw him emerging from nowhere. The cold flakes of snow landed in his hair without melting. He instantly regretted having left without his coat, but at the same moment he realised he couldn't go back to the house, not now, not ever. Everywhere around him, memories of Sirius seemed to appear.

_"If I asked you to jump, what would you do?" Asked Sirius, staring over the edge of the cliff._

"_I'd jump." Remus replied thoughtfully. His statement seemed to shock the other one._

"_Really? You'd do that?" Sirius said, eyes opened wide. "That's bloody sexy." He leaned forward to plant a kiss on Remus' lips. _

"_I trust you." The younger man said without blinking. _

"_Well, I'd never ask you to jump."_

Remus paced through the night, his arms wrapped securely around his chest. There were no stars above him and nothing but snow below him. He looked to his right and noticed that he'd made it to the lake where Sirius had suggested Remus would move in with him. On the other side of the road lay the store where Remus had bought the valentine's gift that Sirius had appreciated so greatly. The lycanthrope closed his eyes. He had no more tears to cry, but the hollow feeling was eating him up. He sat down on a bench, wondering where he would go from here. He had no idea. But one thing was for certain; he wouldn't be able to go back to his old life. His life required Sirius, but his days with the animagus were through. He felt sick as if his stomach had decided to fill the hole in his guts with vomit. How was he supposed to go on without his friends? His lover? His second half? How had he never suspected the true nature of Sirius Black? The thought made the sickness in his stomach turn, and he found himself throwing up in the middle of the street.

When he'd finished, he sat there for a whole hour, staring over the lake. Eventually, he decided that he'd have to go home to Grimmauld Place after all. He'd have to save what was left of his life. Who knew, maybe he'd learn to live with the pain some day. And maybe, just maybe, Sirius would show up on his door step, telling him that he hadn't done what he'd been accused of, that he'd been framed and had nothing to do with it. That he'd kept his promise.


End file.
